The Case of the Salty Slasher
by AlcoholicDracula
Summary: Origins


September 31, 1936,

It was a cold stormy night, in the dank underbelly of a faraway city. The city was pretty clean and at an all-time high, other than the uprise in murders. No one knew who or what the killer was but there was a rumor circulating about an alleyway next to Selfdine Boulevard, where the city sleeps. It was said that the people who went into that alley at night were found dead the next morning. There was no proof of who or what killed them, fingerprints or DNA. Only a crumpled coffee stained note that had written on it, "what's the deal with that?" The bodies were found in a peculiar way, they were field dressed and stuffed with airplane peanuts. Who or what could possibly do something like this? I have seen many horrible things throughout my career, but this takes the cake. It continues to haunt my dreams to this day.

September 32, 1935,

The results from the autopsy just came in, and it was determined that the peanuts in the body originated from Delta Airlines flight 666. With this being the only lead we had, my partner and I decided to head down to Delta Airlines and find out what they knew. My partner was a slightly strange fellow, he was tall, skinny, and quite shaggy looking, and he always had what seemed to be an insatiable hunger. When we arrived at the airline we met with the manager of that branch and asked about the airplane peanuts, but he seemed to have nothing to offer. When we had decided that this lead was a lost cause, we decided it was time to head back to HQ. But right as we were about to get out the door, the manager remembered something and stopped us. The manager said that a few months ago there was a shipment of peanuts that had been stolen when it was on the way to the airline from the warehouse. We got what information we could about the stolen peanuts from the manager and headed back to HQ with a fresh lead and hope that we could catch this monster yet.

September 39, 1928,

It has been an entire week since we got that lead about the stolen peanut shipment, but we haven't been able to make any more progress since then. Morale is getting pretty low in the department, since in this time two more bodies have been found. One had their entire skeletal structure replaced with peanuts and the other had their skin replaced with peanut shells. What the hell could possibly do this to people? My partner and I decided to take a break to refresh ourselves and get a new outlook on this case. So to ease our minds we went down to the local comedy club. Once we were inside we sat down at our usual corner booth and ordered some cold beers to loosen ourselves up. We looked up as a newcomer took the stage. This fellow was awfully scrawny and had a strange way of speaking. He was obviously nervous and was occasionally tripping over his own words. I felt kind of sorry for the kid, seeing as how he was getting embarrassed about his mistakes, but I turned away from the stage to talk to my partner about anything that we could have missed in the case. After a minute of talking to my partner I heard the newcomer say something that caught my attention, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. So, I listened more intently, hoping that he would say it again. Luckily after a few minutes he told that joke that caught my attention initially. He said," I have been in this town for a few days and I noticed that there are sales in almost every store around here. What's the deal with that?". As I heard him say that I remembered what was written on the coffee stained note that was found on the first victim. I went up to the bartender and asked what that comedian's name was. Once I found out his name I told my partner that we had to go back to HQ and that I would explain once we were back. Once we returned to HQ I had an officer find out everything about that young comedian and then I told my partner about the hunch I had at the comedy club. We then decided that we should keep a close eye on him just in case my suspicion was correct.

September 43, 1924,

The officer that was running the background check on the comedian was unable to find anything out of the ordinary about him. After spending several days monitoring him, the chief told us to stop because we hadn't found him doing anything strange. He seemed to be a completely normal comedian. Perhaps a bit too normal, I thought. Even though the chief ordered us to stop tailing him, I refused to believe that he was as normal as he seemed and continued to tail him without anyone knowing. Then, today I found him entering the alley that all three bodies were found in. But right as I was about to find out if he was the related to the murders, a woman ran out of a nearby building screaming for help. I couldn't just ignore this woman's cry for help, no matter how much I wanted to catch the killer. So, I rushed over to help her and found out that there had been a domestic dispute. After I escorted her to the station for questioning, I went back to that alley way but by then the comedian was nowhere to be found.

September 44, 1923,

This morning another body was found in that alley way. The body had been field dressed, just like the others, and had had its brain removed and its skull was filled with crushed peanuts. It was the woman that I helped the previous night! I don't understand. I took her to the station well after midnight. The questioning should have kept her there until morning, but there she was mangled and lying on the cold pavement. The only thing that I could think to do was find that comedian and find out everything he knew about these murders by confronting him. I went back to the station and explained to my partner what I was going to do. He made a quick call to his wife to tell her that he was going to be home late tonight and then he came with me to confront the comedian. We went directly to his residence and saw that the lights were on. We went up and knocked on the door, but no one answered. Deciding we couldn't wait, we kicked down the door, yelling that we were with the police and to come out with their hands up. We were able to quickly check all the rooms and see that there was nobody here. So, we started to search the place. Nothing in the house looked conspicuous and for a moment I thought that maybe I was just being paranoid and this really was just a regular person. But just as I turned to leave the room I was in, I tripped on a rug and found that there was a trapdoor underneath it. I called my partner over and we opened the trapdoor. There happened to be a light switch next to the staircase that lead into the darkness below. So, I flicked it on and headed down into the basement. Down there I found crates of the stolen peanuts and what looked like rusty surgical tools. I told my partner to go call for backup and to get the camera out of the car so I could document this. Once backup arrived I was able to give forensics the photographs I had taken and went to talk to the chief. He said that he had ordered roadblocks on all the major roads going out of the city and a manhunt for the young comedian. He then told me to go home and get some rest and that I could take the lead again in the morning.

September 11, 2001,

I was startled awake by a phone call from my partner. He said that he had found where the comedian was hiding and that I needed to get there right away. I rushed out the door and headed over to the abandoned Planter's warehouse on the outskirts of town. As I drove up the small road I saw my partner standing next to his police cruiser. I pulled up next to him and got out. He said that he followed the comedian to this warehouse and that he disappeared inside. I told him that we needed to go in and catch him before he had the chance the escape. My partner and I found the comedian sitting in the old manager's office in the warehouse. We cornered him and I noticed that he was oddly approachable as I ordered him to get on the ground. He just slowly turned to face me and said," I'm afraid I can't do that. You see I plan on starring in a long-running and successful sitcom and I can't really do that from a jail cell now can I? So, I'm afraid that you are going to have to die if I am going to make my escape." I told him that he couldn't possibly hope to overpower two armed detectives unarmed and then told my partner to cuff him. But he didn't move. I turned to my partner and asked what he was doing. He just silently pointed his gun at me as the comedian laughed. "I guess you didn't know your partner as well as you thought you did. What's the deal with that? Didn't you think it was a bit too convenient that I wasn't at my house after you told your partner about coming to confront me?" I finally understood. He was able to lure people into that alley during the dead of night with his hot, juicy jokes the come straight off the oven. The reason he had evaded the police efforts to catch him was because he had had someone working with him on the inside making sure the investigation never got too close, but I had refused to back off. So, he had to silence me so he could achieve his ambitions unimpeded. All I could do was ask my partner why he would do this. "Well he promised to supply me and my insatiable dog with an unlimited supply of special snacks. You don't understand, man. Before this, my dog and I always had to put our lives in danger for just a few of these snacks, but now we can be safe and have our snacks." The comedian then said, "Thank you Shaggy, you and Scoob will be rewarded very handsomely. But I'm afraid that you will not be so fortunate detective." So, with my last words I asked, "What will your sitcom be called?" "Well I was thinking about naming it after myself and calling it Seinfeld." Shaggy then shot me twice in the head and told the chief that he found my body in that warehouse with my eyes and ears replaced with peanuts and that the comedian had escaped. After a few more weeks of fruitless investigation the police gave up the search and five years later the sit-com Seinfeld was among the most popular shows on the air.


End file.
